Young, Black and Gifted

I have been silent for too long. The least attractive Black man is the one who can't stop tooting their own horn long enough to notice someone other than themselves. You know the one. Every other sentence out of their mouth tells you how much they have accomplished and why they are such a great catch. "I'm young, Black, and gifted. I have a college degree, no kids, never been to jail. I have a good job, a nice car. I own a house."

Yes, but that's what you're supposed to be doing. I am proud of you. I am. I know that there are always chips stacked against us. I know that its not easy to stay focused. I know that everyone doesn't come from a middle class background. But if you spend some of that time you're using to talk about yourself, to do something to help the community, I would be a lot more impressed.

A man who can't stop talking about himself is one of the biggest turn-offs. Its one thing if I ask you. Of course I want you to be forthcoming with the info. But if we're talking like two normal people in a relaxed setting or club, and all of a sudden you want to give me your curriculum vitae like I'm a horse breeder or might offer you a job, I wish you wouldn't. I do not need all that unsolicited information.

Come on, everybody likes to talk about themselves. Its an ego-boost to hear yourself talk. That's why so many people blog. Vanity. They want to hear themselves, and have other people tell them how brilliant and entertaining they are. That's cool. But when you have to big-up yourself all the time, it takes something away from what you truly have to offer. Why don't you let someone ask you this stuff to find out the answers? Maybe I would like the opportunity to ask you what you do rather than have you just offer it up like a hoe. Lol. I'm just kidding. You're not a hoe. But give me a chance to get to know you a little slowly. You don't have to do everything so fast. Who are you trying to impress with the resume? Me or yourself? Try talking about something other than yourself for like 10 minutes. You might learn something. Amazing concept, I know.

Another thing I hate is when people ask me what I like to do. Umm... where am I supposed to start with that one? I mean really. Read, write, watch tv (its addictive), shop, look at magazines, talk, help people, watch movies, eat, sleep, take pictures. I mean I'm sure I could go on forever. A summary ain't gonna get it. So either take the time to get to know me slowly or realize that this is something surface and you don't necessarily need my life story to dance with me.

That being said, where can I find someone young, Black and gifted in Pittsburgh? I realized how much I missed that when I went back for homecoming. Lol. Just turn the ego down a little.

So anyway, go ahead and stroke my ego. Tell me how brilliant I am.

Guide to Drinks

This is like candy. "What's my favorite drink/girl can I sip on you, sip on you." --A Twista song. Now my boy Cee-Lo Green has a song about drinks. And despite myself, I kinda like it. Altho I can do w/o Jazzy Pha. Please people. I really like that you are creative. I even like that you can take one subject and twist it beyond repair. However, there are some things that disturb me. Don't compare me to a drink! It's weird!

You are probably wondering, where did this come from? And didn't she already do this with candy? To you I say this... if you know me, then you know I was one of our resident lushes at HU. Some liked to call me the "luscious duchess." I know how to enjoy a good drink and how to make one, too. I like to call myself the "one hit wonder" because I want my drink to be strong enough to give you a buzz. If I make you a drink, you should never need more than 3. And that's if you're a dude. And they will still taste good. If I can take it, then you need to drink it. I tasted it and it tastes alright to me!

Long Island Iced Teas. Yuck. Crap in a cup. SO many people claim this is their favorite drink. I think that's because they haven't been exposed to good drinks. A long island had to have been created by some high school kid raiding his parents' liquor cabinet. "Let me just put a little of everything... And some coke." Come on. The main reason I don't like this drink is because I don't like iced tea. And after going to England, I dislike iced tea even more. Shut up. Yes I am the only real Southerner that doesn't like iced tea. (The little Cuban doesn't count b/c she's from Florida. Everybody knows that ain't the real south. Especially not PBC. Lol. Close your mouth, your golds are showin.) I think I also don't like this drink b/c its unoriginal. If everybody's drinkin it, I don't want it. Give me something different. I like to make my bartender earn his or her tip. Make something up.

Anyway. The tastier version of crap in a cup is a Blue Motorcycle or Purple MF-er. Deee-lish! I prefer the Blue Motorcylce though. I'm a fan of Blue Curacao. And I'm gonna make fun of one of my friends real quick. She called Peach Schnapps "peach snaps." I liked to died! Lol! You can no longer call yourself a drinker when you can't pronounce schnapps. For the slow people, its "shnops." I still love you though. Oh yeah and that other word in this paragraph that you can't pronounce is "cure-a-sow." Lol.

And for the record, my favorite drink is ever-changing. It adapts to my surroundings, outfit, mood, or drinking partner. These are the tops on my list w/the ingredients, in no particular order, w/shouts to the people that introed me to them:

1) Tequila Sunrise- tequila, oj, grenadine (Chinagirl)
2) Parrot Bay and Pineapple (Johnny, 21st b-day, WOW!!)
3) Bailey's and Hennessey (Big Kyle, Senior Sip and Bowl, Thank you sir may I have another!)
4) 151 and Coke- not anymore because I grew up, but I had to add that to the list for old times sake. This is one of those drinks you take when you just want to get tow up and you don't care how it gets done. Or the consequences.
5) Tanqueray and Tonic w/a lime- please be advised that any old gin won't do (my cousin Kim, New Year's, the ultimate grown and sexy drink)
6) Rum and Coke- another standby you can't go wrong with. Its a classic. (Who haven't I shared this one with?)

If you haven't tried all of the above, you need to "diversify yo bonds" (that quote brought to you courtesy of the Dave Chappelle Show. May it rest in peace).

Now, when it came to #5, I specified that any old gin won't do. That applies to all liquor. Stay away from anything that comes solely or principally in a plastic bottle. Stay away from Aristocrat. Stay away from "well drinks." You'll do well to spend your money on a better class of drink. If you can afford top shelf, go for it! I LOVE Patron (tequila) as expensive as it may be. I guarantee you will taste the difference. Smooth as my skin. Yum. If you stick to the bottom shelf, your head and stomach will have hell to pay in the morning. Most importantly, people, stay away from anything you know you can't handle b/c I'm not cleaning up anymore vomit!!

GET your kids

Okay, so to understand this, there's something you should know about me. I'm a Comedy Central junkie. And I mean junkie. But I only like the shows that aren't animated. There are some topics that should be left to humans. I can't take the adult cartoons. Its just wrong. But that show w/the robots and the cartoon aliens. That's funny. Ok so I didn't mean that. Shut up. I'm tryin to talk about kids.

Anyway so I'm watching Bill Bellamy's stand-up. Slow start. But turned out to be kinda funny. Some parts were downright hilarious. So he starts talking about some little kid standing outside of a store w/his mom and he tells his mom, "No! I don't want to go in that store with you!" And she says, "Please just go in the store with me. Don't talk to me like that. I'm your mom. It makes me feel bad." Or something to that effect.

SKKKKKKKKKKKRRR! (That's me pullin up real hard on the brakes). You are trippin. You know that was a white kid. For real. So one of the directors at work said she was in a store and this little kid, 4-years-old. FOUR. Wait. Understand the kid was four. So the mom is talking. The little girl says, "Mom, don't start your bitchin." WHAT?! Oh. No. You. Didn't. No you didn't! And the mom said nothing. And the director thought it was funny. Word? That's funny. Yeah its real funny that if that was my mom I would not be able to write this blog today. Why? Because I'd be using my hands to pick up my teeth.

I was in the dollar store the other day. This 13-year-old boy says to his mom, "Leave me alone. Stop being stupid." I'm not kidding. Ugh. Please. GET your kids. And then you wonder why they become serial killers.

Maybe these parents need to try to read this article. Try that. You need to do something with their bad azzes. I'm embarrassed watching them play you like that. Glad my momma taught me some sense.

Its the most (you fill the blank) time of the year

For me its the time of holiday cheer and God-awful ugly sweaters. And you know what I mean. Those sweaters that you see and cringe and wonder if their blind grandma gave it to them. The one even God thinks is awful. And he made the person that made it. Come on people.

Oh yeah, did I neglect to mention that Pittsburgh is the bad fashion capital of the world? I think I forgot to mention that. Yes, Pittsburgh has more fashion don'ts per capita than any other city in the world. Its true. At least I'm convinced that its true. There's the Fashion Institute of Pittsburgh and various other places where people can take classes to learn fashion. It ain't workin. Use your resources people.

Big girls. Now you know I got love for my big girls b/c my mom's a big girl. But I will never stop saying this. When you wear clothes that do not fit, it makes you look bigger. Stop doing it. No one looks good in ill-fitting clothes. Just because you're not a size six doesn't mean you can't be presentable. Please understand that wearing a muu muu or a colored oversized sack cloth makes you look BIGGER.

But I digress. Back to the topic at hand. The sweaters. I was in Panera Bread for no more than 12 minutes today and I saw them EVERYWHERE! I turned in one of those horror movie circles where you can't believe your eyes and whatever you're scared of is suddenly all around you. Or you're in a field and you can't see anyone. You don't know what to do. You scream. AAAAHHH!!

You know the sweaters that I'm talkin about. Those sweaters with no less than 4 colors. Usually in a horizontal pattern. And or with balls and 3-D swirls. I don't want your sweater to reach out and touch me. Or stab me in the eye. That is NOT cool. It hurts. Like a lot. I don't like things in my eye. The monstrosities that they call "fashion sweaters" at those horrid stores where you buy them. The stores that should be called "Hi, I'm a mom and I just don't care anymore."

Please click on that link. Roll over the title and click on the link. Please. This is exactly what I'm talking about. I can't. This is from a recent site. Not an old link. This is an actual current option to purchase.

NONSENSE! It takes you just as long to look like trash as it does to look presentable. I know because everytime I try not to care, it takes me longer to think... "Is this too ugly for work?" "Does it show too obviously that today I just don't care?" "Am I ruining my rep as 'one of the best dressed people in the building?'" I didn't say that, by the way. It was said to me. So there. Anyway. Plus you want to be seen as management material don't you? Maybe not. I keep forgetting that everyone doesn't want to be at the top. Which makes sense. Because then who would do the work? But anyway. For real, you're driving me crazy looking like you just rolled out of bed five minutes ago and didn't even brush your teeth. Please stop.

Baller Blockin'

Why does the NBA need a dress code? Excluding "work boots," chains, jumpsuits, headphones and various other apparel. Hmm... I smell a thug. Clearly that's what the NBA is saying. And they don't like it. My favorite Republican and I had this conversation. His view: the NBA is trying to cut down on their thug image. My view: True dat, AND they're trying to do it "subtly" and failing miserably. Who can't see through that? Come on. My mom says she's not offended. So I tried to think about why I am.

Let's look at this. First, because it implies that you're trying to say that people who wear these types of things are not responsible or do not have a work ethic. Second, because this is MY generation. That means when you attack one of us, you attack all of us. This is how my generation dresses. Clothing doesn't change who the person is. If your average NBA players is a thug, then do you really think telling him he can't wear chains at team appearances is really going to change that? No.

Third, come on y'all. Who wears these things? Black people. I know I'm not being sensitive. I'm not saying there should be no restrictions on clothing for players. Okay so you want them to wear blazers and no jeans on the bench. I can see that. I thought that was always a good idea, anyway. But all team events? Get that outta here. These people are basketball players, not rocket scientists. They're not saving the world here. Who cares what they wear? I don't. The Players Association needs to shut that ish down. Look at what this dude said. Just look.

"The players have been dressing in prison garb the last five or six years. All the stuff that goes on, it's like gangster, thuggery stuff. It's time. It's been time to do that. But one must remember where one came from. I was wearing bib overalls when I was a player one time. But I wasn't going to the games or events in them. -- Lakers head coach Phil Jackson, quoted in the Oct. 19 San Gabriel Valley Tribune. "

NO. YOU. DIDN'T!!! Oh I know you didn't say that. I'm real pissed now. I am so over him. I didn't like him anyway. I don't care how many rings he has, and how many black players he loves and has coached. That statement is racist. "Thuggery?" "Thuggery." See what he thinks of us? Enough.

Office Ebola and Open Toes

Okay so British people call them "Mucus Troopers." The jerks that come to work even when they're sick. It's started already. I went in on the "skeleton crew" one weekend about two weeks ago. There are maybe seven or eight people in the entire building and what do I hear? *Hack, hack, sneeze, wheeze, whuffle* From at least 3 of those people. Stop the madness. And I mean right now.

When I just go in the building I feel congested and start sneezing. And when I leave, within an hour, I'm fine. What's wrong with this picture? One girl introduced me to the hospital disinfectant on my 2nd or 3rd day. If that's not a bad sign, I don't know what is. Now I see why she did it. Its a germ factory. We all share computers, printers, headsets/phones, and most importantly EBOLA!! Why me? Is this building more prone than others? I think one day I'm just going to open the window and let all this mess out. Doesn't cold air kill germs? I'm gonna do it when I go up to the studio and its 10 below outside. It's just ridiculous. That is not cool people! I don't want your germs. I know its especially hard in news not to come. But if you're hacking around me, I need you to get away. Seriously. We've done all these stories about flu shots and Avian (bird) flu. I want my flu shot yesterday. Not today. Yesterday. I don't want no office Ebola. I don't. I really would like to not get it. Thanks mucus troopers. Thanks a lot.

Okay so I've been thinking about this. I think the reason why these people get and spread the office Ebola because they wear open toed shoes! People. Regardless of any weather, I'm gonna have to ask you to shelve the open toed shoes on October 1st. I don't care if its 75 degrees that day. I don't care if its 80. You're setting yourself up for failure when you get in the habitat of pulling out the toes past October 1st. And please believe your toes aren't cute.

And should we wear the open toes at work anyway? I don't really think so. Granted, I know for the people not on air, its far more casual than I would ever have imagined, but can we have some standards? Probably not since I see all these SWEATPANTS. But I must ask. Now. Obviously its not a good idea to bust the toes out in October anywhere, but in Pittsburgh????? Is that a good idea? I'm gonna go ahead and say not even no. I'm going a step forward and I'm gonna say HELL no! That's why you're spreadin the office ebola. Ya jerk! Dress for the weather. Normal low is 43 for this time of the year. I know that's nothing to y'all, but to me that's a normal December low. AND more importantly, its only 11 degrees from freezing. You're trippin. Just stop it.

The Oprah Groupie

Dear God,

I think I'm an Oprah Groupie. Its not like I love everything she does. Truly sometimes Oprah gets on my nerves. But I think everyone can get on your nerves sometimes. But I will not let anyone talk about Oprah. It's like Benita on "In Living Color." She says, "Can't nobody talk about Miz Jenkins! Uh-uh!!!" And she's screaming? That's what I want to do when someone talks about Oprah. It makes me really mad. I think she does such wonderful things I've ever seen in my life. She reports well. She has great producers. She has the Angel Network. She's trying to change the world. And she's doing it. She's one of the most well-known PEOPLE in the WORLD. That. Is. Amazing. Especially considering what she came from.

Now the main reason why I think I'm an Oprah groupie is because no less than twice a week, I find myself in the house alone clapping as loud as I can about something she's done or someone she's brought on the show. Is that necessary? I think I'm ashamed that I'm a groupie. I think I'm a closet Oprah groupie. Well, God, thanks for listening. I feel better now. I think. So can you hook me up? I want to work with Oprah. I want to learn from the most powerful Black woman in America. She's like the best. Please give me the hook up. Thanks.

Oh yeah, and God? Why is there a website for groupie gear? Isn't that weird? Doesn't that take it a little far? Just wondering. And since it says everybody's somebody's groupie, can I meet my groupie? Thanks again.

Candy

For the love of GOD make it stop. Please. I mean this is out of control. Sigh. For once I thought Pittsburgh was on my side. But, alas, it has failed me again! Ok so I told you how PGH never ever plays new songs, right. (I did hear Cassidy's "Hotel" again yesterday for those that are keeping track). So the Chinese Connecticutan (what do people from Connecticut call themselves?) told me a couple of weeks ago that she was listening to the radio and thought of me. I said, "Aww!! That's so sweet!"

So she tells me she heard this song called "Laffy Taffy." I say, "Oh yeah, well you know I live in pgh so I don't get stuff like that here for months." Lo and behold. Weeks later. Last night I turn on the radio and what do I hear? "Laffy Taffy." (Now what you should be asking yourself is why is Connecticut getting these types of songs before Pittsburgh but I won't even go there).

Anyway. So of course I still have my dirty south connex so I've heard tale of the song from my girl, the little Cuban from the county of Palm, who took the liberty of reciting much of the song nearly verbatim for me. Howsoever (ain't that country), NOTHING could prepare me for the nightmare that is the actual song. UGH!! Chinagirl! This is the song that makes you think of me?! I am not the only person you know from the south! Get that outta here.

Now, I must admit the beat did make me stop and say hmmm... that's kinda hot. And I kinda like it. Then I listened to the God-awful words!! Please people! Can we stop making candy perverted? Candy? Is nothing sacred? Click on that link. Look at those lyrics. ENOUGH!!

Speaking of sacrisity... apparently everything, including churches, goes under here. So there are all these places that used to be churches. One of them is the Church Brew Works. Ok its a brewery now. You know that is right up my alley! And they have a website. It looks bee-you-tee-ful inside! I'm there! Soon as I find somebody other than my dad to go with. Lol. Shoot, I might take him. He likes beer, too. How bout somebody was tellling me about some girl who called her dad and asked him if she could go to church. He was overjoyed and said, "Of course honey!" A month later he got the American Express bill. His daughter spent $300 at church. Yeah, she was in Pittsburgh. I was DYIN!!! Lol!

Another former church is a club called "Sanctuary." It has parties on Thursday night featuring reggae, hip hop, reggaeton, and house (which you NEVER hear in pgh). And since I'm a huge fan of b-more club music, I'm trying to be up in there, but not alone. Can I please tell you anything you hear advertised on the radio you have to be careful of-- in any city. Pgh is not an exception! I really am not trying to have to duck and dodge bullets to hear some music. I am so cool on that. But thanks for asking. Lol.

Rock the Blue and White!

It's that time again! Homecoming! That time when you either know you're going back, can't decide because your friends are too wack not to return, or know you won't go back because you didn't really talk to anyone anyway. Good thing I'm in that first category or I'd be salty. Ok so I was doing my daily perusal of the AP wires today at work and what do I see but the Division I-AA Top 25. So of course I get excited. I open it and Hampton is #7. And the only other HBCU is SC State and they're all the way down at 21.

And... I get more excited when I look at the schedules and see that the next game is the Battle of the Border v. NSU which will be on ESPNU. We will drag them!!! As usual. And... when we win, that will bring us to 7-0 going into Homecoming!! Get outta here! I'm not ready. Oh and I didn't tell you the best part. Gimme the drum roll. Our opponent is SC State. How good will that game be? Huh? How good? I'm so there. I don't care that it will definitely cost me $18 unless I can Debo somebody for their I.D. which I would love to do. I also don't care (kinda) that I will have to get there at the crack of dawn to get a good seat. Matter of fact, I need to go ahead and work on gettin my girls to the game so we can buy our tickets online, now.

And why is there no alumni discount? I'm sayin. I worked hard for that degree. Where are my perks? Huh? And I don't mean 10% off at the Radisson and their little rag tag bar. Oh and "Soiree." If you are a true Hamptonian, obviously you'll be there b/c it was off the chain last year. But why is their happy hour at the Radisson's sorry excuse for a bar? I HATE "well drinks." I'd rather go buy me a bottle and make a real drink. I'm sure I'll be at happy hour with my social butterfly friends but I'm not wastin my hard earned money on no "well drinks." That's what it tastes like, too. Like you got it from the well. Why don't we just come to happy hour already happy? Makes sense to me. Expect to see me stumbling. Me and the Chinese girl I'll be with.

We're takin' Over!

Ok so everybody knows that when you don't want anyone to hear something you whisper, right? Well at the station, almost no one whispers. Matter of fact, almost everyone yells. I guess its that whole spreadin the news thing. So when people are whispering, instead of my interest being peaked (sometimes it is) I usually just ignore it. But when two 40+ white people are whispering and all of a sudden I hear, "UH-UH! Homey don't play that!" and its not followed by laughter, but more earnest whispering, I want to know what you're talking about and I want to know now. I tell you I almost fell on the floor!! I'm at work people! You can't be doin this! And when I fell out laughing they looked confused and didn't even ask why. Ok so do you think its normal to be one of the most conservative Republicans that I respect and can tolerate (and even really, really like) and blurt out "UH UH! Homey don't play that!"? Its not. That is not normal. But it is hilarious. So yeah, we're takin over the world. I just want to know what he was doin watchin "In Livin' Color." That HAS to be against the Republican credo. And speaking of Republicans, why was there a Republican speaker at an NAACP event in Waterbury, CT lauding Bush's name? Because there aren't enough of those on national televison? So now you have to pay them to come tell you in person? Why don't you bring someone that can actually do some good? Enough.

Weather Woes

Why me? Huh? What did I do to deserve this? I am so SCARED!! I'm not ready for this. Ok granted I do love winter wear, but I've never had to wear any! From November to March in Charlotte and in Hampton, we never had more than a month TOTAL spread throughout those months of cold weather. Like truly cold- below 30 cold- days. Like didn't get above 30 for the high. Come on. Think about it. It was never really cold. That just doesn't happen. And we got a "big" snow of 4-7 inches MAYBE once a year. I'm hearing reports that snow begins in October. October. OCTOBER!! Stop the madness. That means I'll need a real coat! Another one. I only have one real coat. Well I just bought a second but I'm lining up two more. Oh the fear! Its real. And have you been to Pittsburgh? Have you seen these "hills?" I call them mountains. Not hills. Mountains. I mean steeper than a flight of stairs. No lie. I really, really wish I was exaggerating. The hill to the station made me inhale sharply the first time my car chugged up it. I thought I was in a hoopty. I mean these hills are why SUVs are made. Off-road vehicles? No that would be on-road in Pittsburgh. Scary people. Scary. Think what you see on t.v. for San Francisco. Take 10% of those steep hills and put them in Pittsburgh. Then take the steepest hills you know outside that city and spread them all over a city and you've got Pittsburgh. I mean come on. That's too much. And there are 78 bridges in Pittsburgh (shut up. I'm not an almanac, they said it on a televised Steelers game). I digress. But, let's not forget bridges ice before roads. I cross at least one of those bridges to go to work at 430 or 130 in the morning (depending on whether its a weekday or weekend). Snow is always gangsta heavy in the a.m. With hills too? You are trippin. Bridges and hills and ice, oh my! Not. Ready. Someone save me. And did you see Colorado in the Denver area has already gotten snow? Up to 24 inches in some areas. Stop. The. Madness. I can't. I'm not ready for this! And it snows until March or even April people. Someone start praying now. I'ma need it. See y'all made me revert back to my southern roots! And did you see the link? They have snow contests here. That is a bad, bad sign.